Arachnophobia? Arachnocupid!
by KuraGonzalez
Summary: Every year he has like four to ten spiders he needs to violently put to rest but Seth is never prepared for it.
I wrote this _months_ ago and finally I was able to edit and post it. I'm sorry for just disappearing but some stuff happened and I stopped writing altogether. I'm slowly getting back into it, so please, have some more patience with me. Warnings for arachnophobia.

* * *

He lets out a long, satisfied sigh when the icy water hits his burning skin, finally cooling him down after a day that felt like he was working in the fiery pits of hell. The sun was exceptionally merciless today and Seth would love nothing more than to stand under the spray for the rest of the evening but sadly, he can't waste water like that and his stomach is grumbling loudly.

Feels like he hasn't eaten in ages and there are some leftovers of a surprisingly delicious vegan lasagna in his fridge he is looking forward to devour in a few minutes. His neighbor Brie brought him a slice since she and her husband are awfully friendly and it seems she started to make a portion more, just so she can feed Seth. Brie can probably tell very easily he's not exactly the cooking type.

Well, he won't complain. She's magnificent in the kitchen and her food is healthy too. This way, Seth can pretend he has a somewhat decent lifestyle, now that he's too tired in the evenings to do his workout sessions. If he had known that moving out to study, getting a side job and being responsible for himself would be so exhausting, he'd have stayed at _hotel mom_ for a little while longer.

Instead of pumping iron and sweating his heart out, he now has to do his laundry, clean up his own messes, rush back and forth between college, the library and his workplace to fall into his bed afterwards, already fast asleep before his head hits the pillow.

But hey, he wanted to be independent, so here he is. Standing in his shower, the food in his fridge little gifts from the happily married couple next door that will move out in a few weeks because their family is about to get a tiny bit bigger, always stressed but Seth would never change a single detail.

That is until he sees it in the corner of his eye. The bane of his existence. A spider.

Not a tiny one, no, of course not. He can deal with those, is even able to ignore them should they follow his twenty-four hour rule. If they're still in the same spot after that amount of time, they die. Have they disappeared, he shares his flat with them. Out of sight, out of mind.

The _thing_ crawling in through the open window is enormous. So big that Seth is convinced he can look into its two set of eyes, staring right back at him. For a second it stops and he cocks his head, unable to move either, the water suddenly not refreshing anymore. He's starting to freeze but he will be damned if he even blinks as long as that monstrosity is near.

He shudders against his will, wishing he could take his eyes off the arachnid for a split second to find something to squash it with and put some distance between them. Right now the thing could practically jump right into his face and should it move its hairy, long legs–

Seth screams, loud and panicked, stumbling backwards and almost losing his footing, skidding around in the bathtub until he yanks the shower curtain back and scrambles out of there, yelling again when he catches the spider crawling along the wall _impossibly_ fast, always headed towards him.

His eyes widen as he watches the brown, almost black spider speed over the tiles, making its way to the edge of the tub, clearly intent on following Seth wherever he goes. His rule doesn't apply to these monsters ever since his sister once woke up in the morning with a single arachnid foot hanging out of her mouth.

Another shocked scream escapes his lips as the animal reaches its destination in no time, the eight limbs racing across the surface. He shivers, feeling sick to the stomach, shaky hands running over everything in his vicinity to find a suitable weapon to defend himself.

'Back off,' he hollers, voice croaky, sending myriads of little tubes and bathroom utensils to the ground in his frenzy. 'Get away from me.' It doesn't listen to him; they never do. There is nothing in this too tiny room to help him and he won't kill the spider with his hands.

He once hit a gigantic exemplar with a hammer because that's something he keeps in his nightstand – don't ask him why – and when he was younger, he couldn't find a book that was thick enough, so he grabbed his mathematics one and dropped it, wrapped in a sheet of paper, on a spider that was racing along on the ground. A lot of them died because he practically tear-gased them with a whole can of deodorant or insect repellent spray. If this whole karma and reincarnation thing is real, Seth will definitely hate his next life.

It comes at him again – he is convinced the thing has secret superpowers and just jumped a few feet towards him – and Seth frantically turns the knob on the door, stumbling out of the bathroom, almost slipping on the wooden floor with his wet feet.

Even during his ungraceful near fall, Seth manages to never break eye contact with the thing while his brain runs at full speed, trying to come up with an acceptable killing weapon. His shoes are next to the door, which means they're terribly far away and he also kind of doesn't want to use them because he'd have to scrape the body off the sole and he really hates how he can feel the tiny, fragile spider crack right under his grip, spilling the disgusting insides all over his precious chucks. And he never ever wants to use the hammer again; Seth felt like a complete asshole for about two weeks.

The thing doesn't care that he's searching for a halfway decent method to exterminate it, running as fast as the wind towards him and Seth distantly hears some police sirens, wishing they would come and rescue him. But he is alone with his adversary and his bookshelf is in his bedroom, too far out of reach. He'd have to leave the spider alone for a few seconds and they always use that time to get away, hiding somewhere in his flat to crawl into his mouth when he sleeps.

Which is why he can't go to bed whenever that happens. Seth isn't able to find any rest until he has gotten rid of his unwanted roommate, no matter how many days it takes to find the intruder. Thankfully, he has had luck with that in the past. He never had to force himself through a whole sleepless night until he spotted the fat, black dots on his floor or the walls.

Concentrating on the eight moving legs, he takes a few steps backwards, now entering the living room. Which is practically his entire flat. Only the bathroom and his bedroom are secluded areas, while the entrance, the kitchen and his comfort zone are one big territory.

Under no circumstances will Seth use something from the kitchen to murder an innocent, ugly being. That room is sacred. But even if he somehow forgot a book on the table right behind him, he still needs a sheet of paper to not soil his literary properties.

Every year he has like four to ten spiders he needs to violently put to rest but Seth is _never_ prepared for it.

There are some journals on the table he could use, but he hasn't read them yet and they cost a small fortune. Curse all these interesting GEO magazines – which he has to buy in Spanish since it's a German production and therefor not published in English – about the ancient Egypt or the fascinating history, art and culture of Japan. Seth doesn't have a lot of money to waste but he can never walk past one of those.

He is full of knowledge he doesn't need, yet Seth couldn't care less. History is his passion; losing himself in older times is his way of escaping his stressful life. So, he'd rather use his bare foot than one of these expensive magazines.

Cushions are too soft and he sleeps with his face on them; no matter how many times Seth would wash them, he would never be able to put his skin on them again. He's just weird like that. Blankets aren't handy enough and his water bottle and movie collection are not really suitable for this task.

Jeez, he sure doesn't posses a lot. Maybe he _will_ have to dash into his bedroom to get the hammer. It's faster than grabbing a book and finding his notepad to rip out an empty sheet of paper – if he even has one left with all the notes he takes in college – and run back to a hopefully still-sitting spider. No, he won't take that chance.

Oddly enough, he doesn't even have to. Before he knows it, the monster crawls towards him, carefully avoiding the wet footsteps he left behind – skillful beast – and another frightened scream makes its way past his mouth. The moment his voice echoes loudly in the apartment, his door gets kicked in and two men in uniform rush in, pointing their guns at his head.

He yelps surprised, the spider chasing him completely forgotten. A hot summer breeze finds its way into his flat, making him shiver pleasantly as his skin and hair are still dripping wet. Seth is tempted to say _look what the cat dragged in_ but he is still staring into the cocked guns and he has no death wish whatsoever.

'You're _not_ a woman,' one of them says, his frown matching Seth's. What is that supposed to mean? These two police officers come crashing through his door and all they have to discuss is his gender? 'Excuse me?' he pants, suddenly remembering why droplets of water fall on his chest and why he is out of breath. The gross animal trying to walk all over him and his futile search for a murder device.

As he turns around, his gaze falls upon his flyswatter on the shelf and he lets out a victorious _yes_ while he grabs it, now finally ready to cement his fate as a future maggot or worm. If he is extremely lucky, he will be reborn as a caterpillar. Knowing his chances, he will one day be the hunted species, killed by an object falling down on his head.

'What are you even doing here; randomly busting through doors out of boredom?' he asks irritated, searching for the spider that was _just there_. Where is it? Seth goes round in circles, trying to locate his enemy, not even bothering about the laughter his questions elicits.

 _It's gone_. The thing managed to escape in the one second he wasn't looking because two brutes thought it was funny to damage his door – how is he supposed to sleep tonight? The lock is broken and anyone can come in, just like these officers – and point their guns at him. Which they finally lower, now that they can see for themselves that there is no apparent danger. Well, none other than an eight-legged, hairy monstrosity that could be lurking literally everywhere now.

One of them clears his throat awkwardly and Seth can very well hear the amusement the cop tries to hide as he answers, 'We got a distressed call about a woman screaming bloody murder in your apartment.'

He listens to the words spoken, is even able to think that the man's voice is all calm and strong, suggesting its owner is a beacon of tranquility and protection but Seth is more focused on his assassination mission than the conversation, so he nods impatiently, only having registered something about a woman in his apartment. That's bonkers. He hasn't had a guest in ages – Brie doesn't count.

'Aha,' Seth mumbles, walking around cautiously, scanning the ground with his eyes, hoping to spot the spider somewhere before he has to mentally prepare himself for a sleepless night. 'There is no one here, except for me.'

'We can see that,' the second officer snickers, the telltale sound of a gun being holstered reaching Seth's ears. This voice is laced with sarcasm – but not the bad kind; you know, not the one where you don't even know someone is making a joke and everything just sounds like an insult. It's deep, a tiny bit raspy, but oh-so-amused. That man probably doesn't have a single worry in his life and if he does, he simply doesn't care. Whatever happens, happens.

Seth himself is an over-thinker, constantly concerned about this or that, his grades, if he said something wrong, did he show enough manners, what the heck is he going to be one day, and so on. The list is endless. It usually turns out somewhat fine in the end but he just can't stop his brain from overreacting most of the times. It's a little exhausting.

'So, what's up, scream queen? Flyboy creepin' up on ya?' 'What?' he blurts out, turning around and looking at Mister Cool for the first time. Seth is sure he's gaping but his jaw just won't move anymore. There _he_ is, with his perfect dimples, hands hidden in his pockets, a delighted smirk on his face.

Brie and her twin sister Nikki always reassured him that true love, the one on first sight, is waiting for everyone. That someone out there was made just for him and he shouldn't give up hope. Easy to say for two women who found the ideal partners ages ago and who couldn't be happier.

But looking into those impossibly deep, clear blue eyes, Seth thinks that maybe they weren't lying at all. This guy is not only handsome but there is something about him he can't quite put a finger on. It's not the peculiar sense of humor but it's a big plus. So are the scruff, _those dimples_ , the slightly curly hair, the jovial smile that lights up the whole room and the aura of awesomeness he radiates. Seth would love nothing more than to gravitate around the man for the rest of his life, basking in the self-confidence and carefreeness. He feels so much more relaxed right now, just by holding the officer's gaze.

Why are they here again? And what is he doing with the flyswatter? Oh right, meeting the man of his dreams, who kicked in the door to his heart.

No wait, _the spider_. His never ending nightmare on eight legs. Sarcastic hunk and officer eye candy are not here to save him from it.

But now that they are, he should try to play it cool and leave an unforgettable first impression that says _I am obviously younger than you, but totally dateable and an overall great guy who would love to get handcuffed by you any time_. It would be a lot easier if Seth would still remember what the cop's last words have been.

Thankfully the man points at the fly flap and Seth has to bite on his bottom lip to not laugh relieved at the ringless hands. He can flirt all he wants now without feeling bad about it.

'Oh no,' he breathes all of a sudden, finally able to tear his gaze away from the other without instantly giving in to the urge to look back again. By now, the ugly thing could be anywhere, hiding someplace dark until he is alone and not on his guard anymore. These two distractingly handsome men are to blame for him losing sight of it. His whole evening is ruined.

'I was just,' he tries to explain the situation, 'you know.' Freaking out because a spider joined him in the shower. 'Nope, we really don't,' comes the cheeky reply, followed by a very nice offer that warms Seth's heart. 'Need any help?'

Not a very attractive trait if he requires a stranger to kill an arachnid, is it? He giggles nervously, running a hand through his wet hair while shaking his head, trying to look in perfect control of the situation. Maybe he should casually lean against a wall, mimicking Officer Soulmate's posture, to start his flirt offensive.

But before he can move a single muscle, his bare right foot starts tickling, making him jump and gasps in fear, convinced the spider just crawled over his skin. Without thinking, Seth dashes forward, seeking shelter behind Mister Sarcasm, who is a tad confused by his sudden outburst but clearly mostly entertained.

The other, tattooed officer watches the two of them with raised eyebrows, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. While crossing his arms over his chest, the man nods with mock seriousness, stating overly professional, 'Guess we got ourselves a PPEC.'

Seth instinctively clings to the man in front of him, inhaling the sweet mixture of the blooming nature outside, faint traces of sweat and an alluring perfume that immediately sends his brain into vacation. With closed eyes, he can feel himself inching closer to get a better access to that mesmerizing scent, only stopping in the very last moment. Sniffing people after just meeting them is definitely not giving off any _creeper_ vibes. It's as if he has never before tried to woo someone.

To not come across like a future stalker, Seth coughs, wanting to know, 'What is that?' Must be some kind of police code for either _we found a dorky little kid who tries to get into your pants_ or _there's a weirdo screaming in his home for no apparent reason. Gonna leave that one for the asylum_.

The man he's still holding onto – his body refuses to let go anytime soon – turns his head, looking over his shoulder and back at Seth, smirk still firmly in place. 'Peter Parker's Evil Cousin,' he teases him, having the audacity to wink at him before speaking on. 'Deadly, radioactive spiders threatening innocent citizens.'

God, how embarrassing.

But wait, doesn't that mean that the monster really _did_ try to climb him like a freaking tree? He knew it wasn't just his imagination. Ugh. It touched him. Now he needs to shower again. Can they leave already? Seth would like to cry for the next ten hours because a fat spider managed to make him look like a fool in front of the man of his dreams who turns fully towards him, gracing Seth with the warmest, most honest smile he has ever seen while putting his fingers on Seth's to help him loosen his vice-like grip on the other's arm.

The blue eyes say _it's gonna be alright_ and Seth believes them, can't help but falling fast and hard for the police officer at the tender gaze directed at him and the skin on his own, sending a jolt through his body, leaving behind a content feeling in his stomach, as well as a violently beating heart caged inside his chest. He's glad he is still wet from the shower or else the man would see that Seth started sweating.

Now that they're standing face to face, he can read the name tag on the well-fitting uniform – D. Ambrose. Derek? Drake? Daniel? Desmond? Dorian?

D lets go of his hand, sighing before muttering defeated, 'I'm goin' to hell for this.' That said, the man walks over to the ugly, big spider sitting there in between two of his wet footprints, unsure of where to run to, now that it's outnumbered. It doesn't get a chance to decide, can't use the warning system nature gave it to flee another time.

Seth hears the sickening crack of its body as the officer squashes it with his boots, a disgusted look on his face. He can't even put into words how much affection runs through his veins as he watches the man refusing to put his foot down again after the dirty deed is done, frowning at him while he asks, 'Got anything to clean that up? I'm sure you won't do it.'

So much for the perfect first impression. Not only were they called because a woman was screaming for her dear life but now the man also had to kill the spider that was the cause of all this. Seth would like to go to the kitchen and hand the officer some tissues but he can't move, eyes fixed on the slimy spot on his floor.

The cop wobbles over to the counter, treading carefully until he has washed his shoe. Afterwards, he strolls over to his partner, the two of them exchanging an entertained glance, bending down to get rid of all the ugly evidence of this homicide.

'I'm sorry for the inconvenience,' he blurts out once the officers are reunited again, shrugging helplessly for wasting their time. Hopefully no one got harmed while they were here, helping him dispose of an arachnid. He would never forgive himself if someone died because he hogged the police's attention. On the other side, he might have found his soulmate because of this coincidence. And his apparently female sounding screams. He needs to work on those.

'Don't worry,' the darker skinned officer chuckles – his tag reads R. Reigns –, clapping his colleague on the chest. 'You just made our day. We've had a terribly boring shift till now.'

'Glad I could help,' he all but whines, feeling more stupid with each passing second. D just beams at him, walking past Seth to kneel down and pick up the pen on the tv table, writing something down on a small piece of paper. As it turns out – as soon as the man hands it to him –, it's a business card of a Roman Reigns. The name and telephone number are crossed out, replaced by _Dean_ and a series of digits that imply he just got the hot guy's contact information.

Dean Ambrose. Oh, he likes the sound of that.

'Gimme a ring if those creatures try to take a bite outta ya again,' Officer Handsome proposes lightheartedly and Seth just stares at the card, not able to comprehend that his clumsiness is also charming. Nice.

Trapped in his blissful state, he barely notices that someone is going back to his bathroom, but he can still hear that person turning off his shower and coming out with a towel that Seth takes, blinking irritated. Dean most likely tries very hard to not burst out laughing but his voice still breaks adorably when he adds, 'You might wanna put that on, champ.'

Huh? Okay. But why–

And then the whole world comes to a screeching halt. _He's naked_. Has been the entire time because he jumped out of the shower in a hurry. Never, in his entire life, has Seth been this mortified. He can't even force his arms to move and wrap the towel around his hips.

Dean sees his mental breakdown, helping Seth cover up his private parts, not once mocking him with his eyes, a wolfish grin or some stupid joke.

There is no way he will ever be able to look at the man again, let alone talk to him, so instead of being grateful and saying thank you, Seth simply watches the two police officers leave his apartment, Roman Reigns waving awkwardly at the broken lock, grinning apologetically. 'Sorry bout that. I'll replace it, just text me or Dee. And tryna find a safe place to sleep tonight. No, accepting the offer of a stranger, even if he's a cop, doesn't count as safe,' he adds when Dean opens his mouth to interject, the words and their meaning freezing Seth's brain over.

So much happened in the span of a couple of minutes and – in his current state of humiliation – Seth isn't able to catch up to anything. Except for the tiny dialog that happens outside, once he can't see the men anymore.

'I thought you _hate_ spiders.' There's a faint chuckling – like the last distant roll of a thunder, the very last reminder of an awful storm – and Seth sighs, the grip on the towel around his waist getting dangerously loose as he tiptoes to the broken door. A dreamy smile appears on his face when Dean huffs amused, 'I _do_.'


End file.
